Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Rambling of a Confused Mind

This blog posting may not be as enjoyable to read as it is to write. Actually, the reality of this post is that it was a long time in the making. I have been mulling over what has been missing in my life the past few weeks and with the helpful advice of a dear friend (oh wise Lamb Chop!) I've decided to just write.

Writing seems to have a magical quality about itself that when the pen meets the page (or rather the fingers meet the keys) something changes on the inside of the writer. I've been experiencing a personal disconnect between by feelings and thoughts and words. Though no dramatic shift has occurred, I am once again at a point of confusion over what I think or feel.

I want to take some time to try and express how/what I am feeling. I'm not sure how this is going to go or even if it makes any sense but I hope that in the end I will come to a better understanding of myself.

Of what will come
And of what has been
Am I stuck or have I just began
These familiar faces smile and ask
How are you? How have you been?

I wish I had a better answer
Or at least an understanding of the truth
Instead all I can say is "I'm good."
What is good? How can you know?

What is understanding?
Will I ever find what I'm looking for?
Lord, teach me to be obedient and trust that you are at work. 

What else is going on inside of me? It seems as though I've gotten so caught up in everything that I have to do or am expected to do that I go into autopilot and shut off my emotions so I can get through it all. I've forgotten what it means to live life to the fullest....and that makes me really sad. Why have I been letting life past me by?!?! And to top it off, when I do have free time or a day off from work I don't spend time with God and I try to escape my own thoughts because I'm afraid of what I'll find....

But it's not all gloom and doom for me. I am not in despair and I have no doubt that God will prove faithful and use this uncertainty for His purposes. And it's comforting to remember that even though I may think that I've been side-lined, God will never let me go and he will never stop teaching me.

I do need to remember that even though God can do incredible things in my life, I can't continue living my life in this manner. I need to wake up and decide each and every day to be intentional about how I spend my time. Not because I'm working for God's love or trying to ease my guilty conscience, but rather I want to live my life in an honoring way to Lord because of my deep love for Jesus Christ. If you all could be praying for me, I would greatly appreciate it and I know that I could definitely use to support of my Christian family. And if you ever think of me, a word of encouragement goes a long way! :)

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