Friday, March 1, 2013

A Burdened Heart

I just wanted to take some time to share what has been on my heart lately.

I've been learning a lot about what it means to be helpless. I am not in control of all the things I wish I was. It's been a lesson God's been trying to teach me lately. Not only have I desired to be the master of my own personal life but I've been struggling to understand why I can't have more say in the choices that others make. These past few weeks there have been a lot of circumstances where I have heard or seen friends and family making choices that I see are only going to end with pain. It breaks my heart.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that I think I should be given the right to tell others how to live. Rather, I wish I could save those I love the trouble of feeling pain in order to arrive at the truth. My deepest desire would be to save as many people as possible from suffering but I know from experience how much suffering can actually turn into a blessing.

I am generally not so personal on this blog but I feel like I need to say what I know is true. I hope that my honesty is heard in the tone that I intend. Please, see that everything I say is meant out of love. But once again, don't misunderstand me. Saying things out of love doesn't mean it's always easy to hear. At times when others have said things "out of love" to me I know that I haven't always thought they were "nice" but I love all of you too much to settle for nice.

Feel free to message me personally, if you want to talk about anything that I post from now on. I would love to have conversations with you. :)

My time here at Crown has really changed how I view myself. I've always been the black sheep of my family, being the only one who loves Jesus Christ and knows Him as my Savior. And it wasn't until I got here, that I realized I depended on my difficult home environment and trials to keep me believing that God was at work in my life. That may sound really odd but let me explain.

Being in this nice, safe, Christian environment, I feel like I've been dropped on some foreign planet where no one understands what it's like to literally depend on God to just make it through each day. Don't get me wrong. The people (students and staff) at Crown are not perfect and their lives are not perfect either. There are a lot of difficult circumstances that many of my fellow students are facing and I don't mean to undermine those at all. Rather, what I'm trying to say that in this environment away from the "harsh realities" of life that I'm used to living in day-to-day I have no idea who I am!

I've always seen myself as the survivor. I survive the tough stuff. I help my family. I work really hard to support myself. I keep fighting even when the going gets tough. But what now? I don't have any of that anymore. Yeah, I'm a poor college student but I'm used to being poor. Yeah, I get lonely sometimes but I've seen much worse. Sure, sometimes I think about being on my own in a few years and have a mini-panic attack but I'm looking forward to that so that I will have SOMETHING to fight through!

God has really been trying to get me to just stop. Stop trying to do it myself. Stop trying to find something to "overcome." The past three weeks, I've been having nightmares and many restless nights. I was worried that it was spiritual warfare but instead I discovered that it wasn't that at all. It dawned on me that my sleepless nights were God telling me to just rest in Him. He was telling me to take the time to trust that He would be the one fighting for me. I didn't need to do it anymore; Him put me out of a job.

So now I'm jobless and helpless, great. Now what? I honestly have no idea. I don't know how to rest in God. As I look at the people around me, I see them having fun and doing crazy things and you know what I feel like God is telling me to do? Go in your room early and spend some time with me! Don't seek people. Come to me. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS?!?!?! I feel like I am letting people down, I feel like I'm being a party-pooper. I feel so lame and...OLD. (No offense :))

But you know what else I feel? I feel like I'm in God's will. And that is better than any expectations placed on me by people.

To clarify, God doesn't seek to ruin my fun or make me some crazy hermit lady. He knows what's best for me. My whole life I've been so concerned about what other people think of me or want from me. WOW! Have I had it so wrong. No wonder I'm worn out! Trying to please others is EXHAUSTING! Instead, I choose to learn how to choose God's voice over all the rest. So that is my mission. I know I will need God's strength to learn how to do this.

Your prayers would be appreciated as I attempt to follow God's will even when it's extremely difficult for me to give up my selfish desires.

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